March 17 2019 More glimpses of truth

Have you ever felt lost? Like really lost, in that no matter where you go you can’t seem to get a thumb on things? You find that other people seem to get it and you can’t figure out that compromise means a completely different thing to you than it does to everyone else.

Well I pound my head to the thought that maybe just maybe I wasn’t born with that gene. Maybe I will always be left to live a life without other people. Cursed to to live a man on the ousts.

I dreamt of Auckland, Paris, Dublin and Barcelona. I never got them when I wanted but I got them. I dreamt that I would graduate from the University of Texas and I was I was given that, years after High school, but I got it! I keep getting everything I want, never when I want it. Everything except a family, maybe it's coming but it's my deepest want left unfulfilled possibly due to my social awkwardness. 

The older I get the more tired my mom and sister get with my quirks. I kid myself by never going to someone that can tell that there is something wrong with me. I know there is, I have a pretty good idea of what it actually is very seriously wrong with me, but I willingly chose ignorance. Although, I am mentally ill, in that I am socially challenged. Completely inept at letting the people I truly care about know what they mean to me. That’s why everyone eventually chooses someone else. No matter how much I love them, no matter how great they say I am. There will always be a better choice. Someone who can hold up the facade much longer than I. For me, my tragedy is that, I gave in to this very idea the second I decided to come home from New Zealand.

It was when I decided that I could never be who I wanted to be, that as long as I was drawn to America, I would never live the life I dreamed. This isn’t one of those pieces in which we detail the fatal flaws of our union, so in that light I will leave it at the fact that there really is no freedom for someone who looks like me. It’s my life’s tragedy. I am so often judged before I even say a word, reacting to what is thrusted upon me. And yet when I even try to position myself in defense, I am met with standard rebuttal. I am not who any of you think I am. I am a gentle giant, left to fend for myself in a  world of hatred.

Anyways I will find someway to tell my story, today or eventually.

Thank you.